Thursday, April 29, 2010

viva hate

Well kids, it's been a pretty awful 24 hours: the Caps lost, the O's can't seem to win more than 2 games together, and I'm about 30 seconds from ending one of my co-workers. But it looks like the worst might be behind me now: I cut off all my hair, that Rascal Flatts song isn't stuck in my head anymore (but it might be stuck in yours, sucka), and Tex is back! More than back, actually, she and I are doing our very first joint post, and it's on a subject very near and dear to our hearts: hating on hipsters.

First on the menu: Hipster Wife Hunting.

Don't worry, it's just as gross as it sounds. American Apparel wearing girls put up personal ads telling everyone why they'd make the perfect hipster wife in hopes of meeting their douchey soulmate. I know, I know, it sounds like there is no upside to a site this obnoxious, but, as it turns out, after a really tough day some aggressive hipster hating is just the ticket to turn things around.

And now for something we hope you'll really like:

Unhappy Hipsters is a consistently hilarious blog that takes hipsterific pictures from magazines like Dwell and gives them captions illustrating the crushing loneliness that comes with wearing all that flannel and only drinking PBR (even though you can totally afford better). Turns out the hipster life is hard - good thing it's so funny for the rest of us.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Hipsters A-Go-Go

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up to the blog. Yes, kiddos, Texas is back, and better than ever before, filling your life with light and happiness and awful, awful hipsters.

1. First up: the good, the bad, and the ugly at Look at this fucking hipster.

Started with facebook photos, expanded into an empire, the site lambasts hipsters like it's going out of style. Which it never will.

2. Once you've taken that in, cleanse your palate and amuse yourself over at Hipster Puppies.
It's about exactly what it sounds like - hipster puppies (Not pupsters. Never pupsters.) - in all shapes and colors. It's cute and clever, and makes you less terrified for the state of today's youth.

Now, while you're doing all this hipster research, you're probably going to want a stiff drink. Well, this isn't one, but it might get you laid at the kind of parties where people debate Eliott Smith. So enter Texas' latest truck stop drink creation:

The Hipster Roofie Slammer

One part PBR, one part blackberry pomegranate juice, a scoop of lemon sorbet gelato and a sprinkle of anathemic self-obsession and you've got it! Here, look, I've made a diagram:




Oh, the ladies are just going to love this one.

Psst. Guys. Want to know a secret? Tex and Coda fucking hate hipsters.

pencil thin mustache

You know what doesn't get nearly enough appreciation, at least as far as facial hair goes? Mustaches. Sure, I might only feel this way because I've just come off a 2 day Jimmy Buffett bender (with a splash of Zac Brown Band - Crossroads is secretly the greatest show ever) but I'm inclined to think it's genuine. So genuine, in fact, that I'm devoting an entire post to this most illustrious of facial hair incarnations.

The World Beard & Mustache Championships is a biennial event where men with seriously impressive facial hair compete against one another for the recognition they so rightfully deserve. Browse through the event's history (apparently it's shrouded in controversy), look for upcoming events, read up on the competing teams, or click through to the Team USA website and bask in the glow of the world's new facial hair super power. And there's no need to walk away empty handed, the WBMC has an online store.

After looking at all those waxed wonders it'd be totally understandable if you wanted to try to import some of that magic into your own life. Sure, sure, not everyone can actually grow a mustache impressive enough to make Snidely Whiplash weep, but you can definitely e-vandalize your own pictures so it looks that way. iStache is a fun little program designed for Mac users by the same brilliant minds who brought you Bullet. One free download and you'll be able to decorate all your pictures with any of iStache's preloaded lip rugs.

Wonderful though it is, iStache's 10 options can be quite limiting, so if you've found that to be the case and want to explore a few more options head on over to Lord Likely's Exra-Ordinary Inter-Active Mustache-O-Rama. Choose from one of about 36 impressive, and inappropriately named, mustaches and use them to decorate the disapproving portrait of Lord Likely.

If, however, you're one of our readers who can grow facial hair, why not do it now, for a good cause? The Caps (and, I suppose, the rest of the NHL) have invited their fans to be part of a playoff tradition.
The Beard-a-Thon gives you two ways to support Washington Capitals Charities: either create a profile and collect pledges while growing a beard yourself; or go online and choose a friend, player, or stranger who's participating and make a donation on their behalf. They also have a build-a-beard option which, in addition to looking a lot like the Lord Likely's of beards, lets women and prepubescent boys gather pledges of their own by Growing One for the Team online. Soul patches not accepted.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

new workout plan

As my grandfather so wisely told me one day: real friends don't make you exercise. Unfortunately that sage advice came too late, as one of my friends, we'll call her Beelzebub, had already talked me into running a half marathon with her, and I was, at that point, only one week from said race. Why tell you this story? To warn you, dear friends, to steer clear of false friends trying to kill you under the guise of 'helping you live longer' or some such nonsense. If, however, you've already fallen victim to your own Beelzebub, and need some help staying on track, well, I suppose I'm here to help.

Habit Forge is a handy little site that'll let you lay out your goals (stop biting nails, run 3 miles, etc) and then email you, every day, for 21 days asking you if you've completed your goal for the day. If you say no the clock resets until you've succeeded for 21 days straight. After 21 successive days of success Habit Forge'll give you the option to continue monitoring your progress through them or to become accountable for your newly forged habit yourself.

If said new habit involves running, and the worst ones always seem to, I'd suggest taking advantage of the beautiful weather and going outside while the humidity's still low and the thermometer's still under 90 degrees. Enter Map My Run.

Map My Run will, as the name implies, keep an online map of your own personal, preferred route which you can then share with friends or keep on file so you don't forget it during your winter months with the treadmill. It'll also let you search other people's suggested runs (there's a great one from Fells to Fed Hill if you happen to live in Charm City) so you can branch out, take in a change of scenery, or even start running longer distances. Generally speaking, Map My Run is really a one-stop-e-running-shop that will, among other things, help you track your caloric intake if you're working towards a big race, keep a training log, or get encouragement from other runners.

Also handy if you've just begun running but have no specific race in mind?

Marathon Guide is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: a list of races all over the world; as well as links to training guides, message boards, and news from events all over. You can even use it to check results of the races you or your friends have run. Use Marathon Guide as an all-inclusive resource that'll help you choose which race to do and get you headed on the right track training-wise.

If you're thinking of training outside, you should probably check the weather before you go, and who better to give you a weather report than our Commander-in-Chief himself?
Obama Weather is a clear, concise weather site that tells you the temperature for the each day of the week, the weather, and features our President dressed in weather-approperate clothing. Lots of snow on the way? Obama'll be wearing a heavy parka with gloves and a hat. Sunny and 85? Expect to see the leader of the free world in aviators and a tshirt. However, if you live in New England don't bother looking to our nation's president for answers - it seems the folks over at Obama Weather don't believe in New England any more than I do . They must be O's fans. Bonus: If you wake up one day feeling like Mr President just isn't cutting it, you can change him to Bender, Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Lee, Dr House, or Angelina Jolie - who could ask for anything more?

Monday, April 5, 2010

partie traumatic

Well kids, it appears that Spring has finally sprung, which means that the Caps are in the playoffs and we O's faithful are high on believing that this will be the year which marks our return to former glory. And what better way to celebrate the passing of the vernal equinox than by throwing a party, or at the very least a rowdy BeerBQ?

Need a little inspiration? Or perhaps just something to aspire to? Check out Keggers of Yore.

Keggers of Yore is an online collection of old party pictures, and not just any party pictures, monumental party pictures. The kind Homer would've written epic poetry about. From dorm room drinking sessions and small gatherings to huge outdoor fiestas, Keggers of Yore is the world's single greatest photo collection of old-timey people making jackasses of themselves. The best part? Keggers of Yore takes submissions, so if your grandfather had a legendary keg stand you can share it with the world. And hey, maybe one day your grandkids will submit pictures of you and all your jackass friends.

Or if you'd like to hurry that process along...use Poladroid.

Just one quick, free, download and you'll be able to turn any image into a Polaroid; just drag, drop, and wait for your photo to develop. Or if you're the impatient type, and I am, just shake the image to hurry the process along. Once it's finished you can save it to a pre-selected file (go to Preferences to choose where the images go) and trick those Keggers of Yore bastards into posting your picture while you're still young and stupid enough to think it's cool.

And, as with any party, you'll need some sweet tunes, so head over to stereomood.

Think of it as an emotion/situation-based Pandora. Just click on one of the proffered playlists or type a keyword into the search field and they'll come up with something for you.

So, to review: you have inspiration, you have a creative form of documentation, and a ton of prefab playlists, all you need now is beer.