Ladies. Gentlemen. Penguins of the Academy. I want to apologize to all of you. Coda and I have failed. We have. We’ve failed you. No, no, we have. We’ve failed you. Don’t interrupt! I said we’ve fucking failed you. Because we had forgotten, in our infinite wisdom, to introduce you to our newest round of Tex’s Ghetto Drinks.
Now I know what you’re thinking: No, we don’t want any more drinks! Aren’t you misusing the word ‘ghetto?’ Who are you guys? How did you get in my house?
But those questions aren’t important. What is important? America. Freedom. Liberty. Respect. And the Ray Lewis Locker Room Reacharound.
In honor of the fact that the Ravens will now ascend to their rightful place at the throne of the NFL (I don’t know how football works)…Fuck it. I’m done. I’m drunk. Coda is taking over now.
The above was dictated and not read. Because some of us are a little bit wasted right now. Coda here, I’ll be taking over now.
As you may have been able to glean from the above, Tex has created a new ghetto drink to send the Ravens off to the Super Bowl in (drunk) style: the Ray Lewis Locker Room Reacharound. It’s not subtle, it’s not pretty, but much like the man himself, it gets the job done.
First, put some ice in your cup. But maybe with a little more precision than Tex, who managed to pour half a bag of ice into my sink before getting any in either cup.
Next, pour yourself a generous serving of grape juice (Tex, who’s apparently shilling for Welch’s suggests you try their marvelous product and ‘not be cheap’).
Step three: pour in a little Perrier (lemon flavor recommended, not required). If you’re fancy like that and need some sort of ratio metric, try 1 measure of Perrier for every 2 of grape juice. Honestly, though, this drink is really about step four.
Tequila. Help yourself to some tequila. Because no matter how much Perrier you used, this still won’t taste like anything as much as it tastes like grape tequila. You’re welcome.
(Note from Tex: you can skip the Perrier if you want, but then it’s just a Ray Lewis Reacharound. No locker room for you. )
So drink them often and drink them proud, because Baltimore, your Ravens are going to the Super Bowl! And if there’s one thing this city loves, it’s a drunk, football victory party.
PS – If you sub absinthe in for the tequila you’ll start to hallucinate. That’s what we call a Manti Te'o Surprise.