Tex's Ghetto Drinks: Lesson #4

Ladies. Gentlemen. Penguins of the Academy. I want to apologize to all of you. Coda and I have failed. We have. We’ve failed you. No, no, we have. We’ve failed you. Don’t interrupt! I said we’ve fucking failed you. Because we had forgotten, in our infinite wisdom, to introduce you to our newest round of Tex’s Ghetto Drinks.

Now I know what you’re thinking: No, we don’t want any more drinks! Aren’t you misusing the word ‘ghetto?’ Who are you guys? How did you get in my house?

But those questions aren’t important. What is important? America. Freedom. Liberty. Respect. And the Ray Lewis Locker Room Reacharound.

In honor of the fact that the Ravens will now ascend to their rightful place at the throne of the NFL (I don’t know how football works)…Fuck it. I’m done. I’m drunk. Coda is taking over now.

The above was dictated and not read. Because some of us are a little bit wasted right now.  Coda here, I’ll be taking over now.

As you may have been able to glean from the above, Tex has created a new ghetto drink to send the Ravens off to the Super Bowl in (drunk) style: the Ray Lewis Locker Room Reacharound. It’s not subtle, it’s not pretty, but much like the man himself, it gets the job done.

First, put some ice in your cup. But maybe with a little more precision than Tex, who managed to pour half a bag of ice into my sink before getting any in either cup.

Next, pour yourself a generous serving of grape juice (Tex, who’s apparently shilling for Welch’s suggests you try their marvelous product and ‘not be cheap’).

Step three: pour in a little Perrier (lemon flavor recommended, not required). If you’re fancy like that and need some sort of ratio metric, try 1 measure of Perrier for every 2 of grape juice. Honestly, though, this drink is really about step four.

Tequila. Help yourself to some tequila. Because no matter how much Perrier you used, this still won’t taste like anything as much as it tastes like grape tequila. You’re welcome.

(Note from Tex: you can skip the Perrier if you want, but then it’s just a Ray Lewis Reacharound. No locker room for you. )

So drink them often and drink them proud, because Baltimore, your Ravens are going to the Super Bowl! And if there’s one thing this city loves, it’s a drunk, football victory party.

GO RAVENS!

♥ 52

PS – If you sub absinthe in for the tequila you’ll start to hallucinate. That’s what we call a Manti Te'o Surprise.

tomorrow will be kinder

only in america

As you've undoubtedly gathered by this time, 2012 is an election year. And not even one of those total nonentity midterm election years.* It's a biggie. The Oval Office is up for grabs. In two days. So I've put together an extensive, if not comprehensive, post to help you navigate (and enjoy) the 2012 general elections. Be you decided in your choice or not.
*Totally kidding. All elections are important. But...you know...if you have to choose...don't be apathetic now.


Now Tex and I are admittedly a bit biased, but since we accept that not everyone has the same opinions we do, I'd like to direct your attention to I Side With.

I Side With lets you take a detailed political quiz and compares your stated views to those of the candidates running for President. Your results might end up surprising you (though mine didn't). And they might help you undecided voters know your own minds. I Side With also allows you to compare candidates to one another and has a very informative blog with break downs of all the candidates' positions on the election's hottest issues.


Fact checkers have generally earned their reputation for letting personal biases seep into their work. It's an understandable temptation. And it's what makes Glenn Kessler of the Washington Post such a rare find. As the Post's Fact Checker he's shown remarkable impartiality and is my go-to resource for the truth in all things political. As you can imagine, I've found him even more valuable during this seemingly interminable election season.

Kessler fact checks just about everything that happens on and around the Hill, which makes it especially helpful that he and his staff have separated out their posts on the 2012 election so you can shift through the various shades of rhetorical grey before voting. If you don't have time to sort through the myriad posts this election has generated, check the Cliff's Notes version: The Biggest Pinocchios of Election 2012. Then test your own knowledge of the issues with the Presidential Election Fact Checker Quiz.


Now we at TCKiT know just as well as anyone that an election can be fun even when it's serious, and this election has certainly spawned more than its fair share of mirth. From The Onion's increased coverage of our distinguished Vice President Biden to the recent spate of binder reviews on Amazon the Internets have never enjoyed an election more. Let's join them, shall we?


First up is Binders Full of Women. A relatively recent addition to the election-borne madness.

From a truly inspired collection of Halloween costumes to memes and photographs, Binders Full of Women successfully lampoons Romney's infamous affirmative action soundbite from the second debate.


Speaking of professional missteps, someone really ought to have talked Paul Ryan out of that awkward workout-inspired photo shoot for Time. Thankfully they didn't. And now both sides of the ideological aisle are taking advantage of this magnificent source material.

On the philosophical Right we have Hey Girl, It's Paul Ryan.

A neo-con iteration of one of my favorite memes, Hey Girl, It's Paul Ryan would surely make the VP-hopeful proud, and it never forgets to highlight his firm grasp of gun issues.

And in the other corner, weighing in for the Left, we have Mansplaining Paul Ryan.

Mansplaining Paul Ryan might trade in hyperbole, but it nails the Wisconsin Representative's penchant for condescension perfectly.


But my personal favorite is Arrested Decision 2012.

Pairing photos from the campaign trail with expertly selected quotations from Arrested Development, this site's commitment to nonpartisan ridicule is admirable in such a politically polarized atmosphere. Not only does it bring some much needed levity to an increasingly nasty election, this tumblr has the added benefit of getting everyone (even more) excited for the long-awaited return of Arrested Development. Who could ask for anything more?


All laughing aside, I know there there are a lot of emotional issues that play into this, and every, election. It can't all be cold, hard facts. Be your cause célèbre health care, taxes, employment, transparency, the economy, Iraq and Afghanistan, or marriage equality feeling can be a lot more compelling than stats when you get to the voting booth. Since that's the case, I just ask that you consider all sides of a question before doing your civic duty on Tuesday.

Also watch this mini West Wing reunion/random ad campaign, it's adorable and informative!

football rap

I don't know if you've heard, but football is back! Or, as my brother so eloquently put it: our long national nightmare is over. Which means things here in Charm City are about to get doubly exciting. Not only are the O's fighting for first place in the AL East but the Ravens come back tomorrow to kick off another season of awesome. How best to celebrate this most wonderful time of the year? Online. Obviously.


Start by refreshing your memory of all 32 NFL teams. Even if you don't need the refresher, you're sure to enjoy this rundown of Every NFL Fan in 90 Seconds. It's brilliant, funny, and spot on. I mean, I'm totally the Ray Lewis of my lacrosse team.

Then take a look at what NFL team logos would look like if they were honest.


Thinking of taking in a game at a rival stadium? Don't buy your tickets blind, check out the view from almost any section in just about every stadium ever built on A View From My Seat.

All photos are user submitted and correspond to seating charts provided by the teams themselves. You can even share your own favorite spots in the comments. By the way, if you're thinking of making a playoff trip to Baltimore (let us pray) come visit me in my new sweet spot: section 334.

Already suffering from fantasy football stat fatigue? I hear you. Reignite your love of sabermetrics by falling for Wedded Blitz.

Grantland columnist (and secret friend-crush) Katie Baker does a highly statistical analysis of the New York Times 'Vows' section. Using her patiented NUPTIALS algorithm Baker ranks couples, a month at a time, by how well they fulfill the classic NYT wedding announcement tropes. The result is often equal parts sweet and revolting. Mostly, though, it's just hilarious. And while you're scrolling through the Wedded Blitz archives don't forget to stop by her rundown of the month of April, my neighbor is featured! Sadly the couple's score of 22 on the Society Scoreboard keeps you from reading about their adorable 101 Dalmatians-style meeting, but it's still pretty cool.

While we're still on the subject of love, let's talk about Aaron Rodgers. I know, I know. As recently as last season I was referring to him as the Captain Hook of the NFC North. But you guys, I was so wrong. I mean, not about him looking sort of like Captain Hook, but I was wrong to dismiss him because of it. This is an important lesson: just because someone looks like maybe they're a cartoon pirate doesn't mean they can't be awesome. And Aaron Rodgers is definitely awesome.

Quick history refresher: Rodgers was drafted by the Packers in 2005 to be Brett Favre's backup quarterback. Which was basically like being drafted to sit on the bench. Favre was Green Bay. And apparently, Rodgers knew it. But rather than get all emo about it, it looks like he decided to just enjoy the hell out of his time at Lambeau for however long it lasted. How'd he do that, you might ask? By photobombing all the Captains pictures he could manage from 2006 on. This site documents them all. And since turnabout is fair play, check for one or two that feature Rodgers' teammates getting the better of him. If only all Super Bowl MVPs were so much fun.

And now that we're done with our preseason internet warm up, I guess it's time to grab a Boh and get ready for some football.

team america (london 2012)

Well kids, the Olympics are over. And the US delegation totally kicked ass. But it's not the glory that Tex and I will miss most as our attention returns Stateside, it's the Olympians themselves. You know who I'm talking about. Our hometown hero, that beautiful fool with the terrible taste, my own coup de foudre, and Cullen Jones. One more time, now: Cullen Jones. So in the name of international friendship, world peace, and our new hero Gabby Douglas I'd like to present you with an Olympic-themed post just for you. But also for us.


Look, this is a safe space so I think we can all just be honest with one another about something: Ryan Lochte would be a lot hotter if he weren't on Twitter. Unfortunately for his public image, he is. Fortunately for us, The Cut has found a silver lining.

Deep Thoughts from Ryan Lochte pairs admittedly hot photos of the Olympian with some of his choicest Tweets. Expect to finish the slideshow disappointed in yourself for not really caring about how stupid he sounds.


A friend of mine once posited the totally ridiculous theory that men in uniform aren't actually all that good-looking out of their uniforms. I won't delve too deeply into my thoughts on that subject (but, dude, you're wrong and even if you're not who cares), instead I'll merely refer you to this slideshow of 2012's hottest US Olympians...

Beating the odds and continuing to be hot in normal clothes.


And, in the continued spirit of objectification, check out what Olympic coverage would look like if all sports were photographed like women's beach volleyball:

Head's up, though, while not exactly NSFW it still might be a little uncomfortable to have your boss walk in while looking at awkward closeups of men's wrestling. So. Use your judgement.


Next, check out the BBC's web app to Find Your Olympic Athlete Body Match.

How do you stack up to the 2012 Olympians? (By the way, if the answer to that question is, 'with abs like these' consider yourself invited to TCKiT headquarters.)


Then round out your look back at the London games with one of its best memes:

McKayla is Not Impressed has photoshopped Team USA gymnast McKayla Maroney into everything from Disneyland to Inception with some truly impressive creativity. And McKayla, even if you're underwhelmed by that silver medal just know that the rest of us are pretty amazed by you and the rest of our US gymnasts.


And so, with a last look at the Olympic Google doodles and a round of Spice Girl songs, we bid adieu to the XXX Olympiad. See you in Rio!

Su Casa es Mi Casa (Part II of Tex's Furniture Blogging Adventure)

Well, kids, Tex is back from her long travels, wild adventures, and mysterious rendezvous (rendevi? rendevouseses?) in the distant East. And she's brought something to share with you.

You know, until recently, I wasn't big into 'furniture stores.' Why buy furniture, I asked, when fruit crates fall off the back of trucks all the time, and you hardly ever run into trouble collecting cardboard boxes? Well, times is changed and Tex has seen the light.

That light is Su Casa.

As those of you who read last week already know, Coda and I entered Su Casa's Test It/Blog It/Win It contest on a tipsy loaded drunken completely s***faced fun whim - never thinking we'd actually be selected to perform our jobs (blogging is a job, right?) in exchange for goods and services, and certainly never thinking we'd actually like doing so.

In fact, we showed up at the Su Casa store championship-style: a week late, a little bit drunk, and 15 minutes before closing. The very sweet woman at the desk greeted us happily nonetheless, in that tolerant-amused-jaded way that only Baltimoreans can manage, and welcomed us with open arms into her store.

 It was f***ing awesome. 

Before we get to the real meat of the review (that comes in Part III, kids), I want to take you on a delightful photographic journey through the maze of wonder and happiness that is the Su Casa store.

Su Casa's a garden of magic; it's a nirvana of design; it's a love letter to Baltimore, in all of its beautiful, simple, tacky, complicated, violent, lovely, charming glory. 

It's simultaneously Towson prep and Hampden hon; Ashburton buppie and Cherry Hill local; Canton penthouse and Pigtown rowhouse. It's the comfortable couch at your best friend's house and the swanky bar set at your boss's place. It's aspirational and accessible and personal but structured. It's global and local; it's pink flamingos beside Louis XIV couches; it's ravens by the register and blue crabs by the windows; it's monogrammed koozies and baretta-shaped ice trays. It's wildly and deliciously home.

 

Tex has found her furniture Xanadu. 

the one where we entered a Su Casa contest

Kids, gather round.
Kids.
Kids.
KIDS. I said  'gather round.'
Jameson, Cooley, Tulla, Whinnie, Deanston, Cutty - get in here.
Mummy wants you to look at something.

Now then.

A few weeks ago, Tex was engaging in her usual Friday night routine - slamming whiskey with state officials, cursing incompetent aurifabers, and sexually harassing off-duty astronauts - when she stumbled upon the Test It. Blog It. Win It. contest being held by furniture moguls Su Casa. 

Now, drunk Tex loves contests like drunk Coda loves starting fights with Steelers fans. So naturally we entered, and will be blogging our merry little lives away for the next few weeks. (Settle down, Cooley, love - this won't affect our summer plans at all. We're still going to see your little friends play in their soccer game or whatever.) And in the interest of full disclosure (and in an effort to teach you some semblance of good taste in home decor), we're going to share our adventures with Su Casa in all their gory, gin-soaked gloriousness.

We naturally figured the best place to start would be at the beginning: with our illustrious application.

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From: Tex and Coda <texandcoda@gmail.com>
Subject: Blogger Application

Application

Name: Tex and Coda
Email: texandcoda@gmail.com
State: Maryland
Blog URL: thecoolestkidsintown.blogspot.com
Furniture Preference: Bar

Why is your blog a good place to showcase your furniture preference?
Our blog's a great place to talk about bar furniture - mostly because our readers (and ourselves) spend quite a bit of time there. Our home bar's been carefully stocked, and we post new drink recipes ~1x/month. Granted, our recipes are at best alarming and at worst wildly irresponsible, but what's a little vodka-and-grain alcohol between friends?

Show off your blogging skills: Describe the dinner you had last night.
Honestly, it was mostly gin. There was some sort of a meat involved, too - steak? Veal? Long pork? I remember hooves being mentioned. Okapi? Horse? Good god, I hope it wasn't horse. If I ate a horse, my kids are *never* getting in to Princeton. Let's just say gin and potatoes; vegetarians are popular this year. This isn't going to print, right?

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I'm certain you can see why they chose us.