Tex's Truck Stop Drinks: Lesson #5 (Quarantine Edition)

Well, kids, it's that time of the century again -- Quarantine Time. 

What does that mean? Well, for one, it means washing your hands for a change. That's right -- I've seen your tik toks, you filthy horde. USE SOAP.

Now is not the time for your selfishness, your tomfoolery, your flapdoodle, your claptrap, your tommyrut, your fiddle-faddle, your bafflegab, your balderdash, your gallimaufry, your hornswoggling, your malarkey OR your pettifoggery. ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR PETTIFOGGERY.

This is a time for all of us to stand up, straighten our spines, and stay the fuck home. 

If we can't make the Greatest Generation proud, at least we can make them slightly safer. Let's pay back some of the incredible debt that we owe our elders, many of whom fought hard to make our lives as easy as they are. You've already ruined Grandma's Bastille Day luncheon twenty times over, Christine -- oh, sorry, "KristleBottlez248" -- let's not also ruin her Easter.

Seriously, though: quarantines are no joke. They require each of us to make a sacrifice to protect our most vulnerable citizens and community members. We should not be raiding stores, should not be hoarding goods, but should sensibly stock up and get ready to buckle down and make do with what's on hand.

And with that in mind, here's Tex's guide to having a good (and safe) time in this brief bout of social isolation.

Thus, it's time for a classic to re-emerge:

Tex's Truck Stop Drinks!

And it's Saint Paddy's Day, too? Oh hell yes.

Now gather round, all ye children -- here's a gentle potable to guide you through these dark times. 

As a refresher: the first rule of Truck Stop Drinks is that they must be made with ingredients likely to be found in a random truck stop (like a West Virginia one, not a dry state one). With that in mind, we present:

Auntie Edith's Linoleum Slider

1 part blackberry moonshine (your choice, but try not to go blind)

2 parts Orange Gatorade (and no, I don't know the name of the flavor, Officer)

1 part pink lemonade (or Hawaiian Punch equivalent)

Mix in probably-clean plastic cup

Pour in an equivalent amount of White Claw (your body, your flavor)

Garnish with a slice of banana that is just about three seconds from going completely bad

Let some of the banana fall into the drink; it is very hard to balance a sliced banana on the rim of a cup, OK

It's delicious, it's hydrating (important for good health), it's cheap, and it's probably do-able with what you've got on hand in your house. Most importantly, it helps you focus on something else besides the abrupt shift in all our daily lives.

Stay inside, stay safe, and stay cool. And please, please wash your hands.