Well, good news! Thanks to Tex's long-promised and now-delivered latest drink concoction, you can do all three.
Welcome to the
Now, I know you're excited - we all are. Just try to calm down for a minute so I can explain this.
To mix it up, you'll need:
A half-bag of old marshmallows
Ice leftover from a beer cooler
A 3/4-full bottle of three week old open merlot
Some old-fashioned mix from the sale bin at Wegman's
Step 1: Put everything in the blender. Well, not everything. Maybe like half the marshmallows. OK, that's too many marshmallows. You got crazy with the marshmallows. Try like 6 marshmallows.
Step 2: Equal parts old fashioned mix and merlot. If you already put too much of one in (which I'm sure you did because you don't listen), then just fill up with the other till they're equal.
Step 3: There should be some ice in there. Did you put the ice in? Don't put too much ice in. I mean, put enough ice - Jesus, it's like I'm working with a kangaroo here. MORE ICE THAN MERLOT, DAMMIT.
Step 4: Get wild with the ice cream. We're making Ramshackles here, not solving the obesity crisis. I mean, I guess if you're going to be like that, then I don't know - use frozen soy yogurt or something. Pine nuts, maybe? Pine nuts are nature's ice cream, right? I think a vegan told me that. But vegans have told me lots of things.
Step 5: Blend. And stop complaining.
Step 6: Taste the magic.
Reviews of the Ramshackle Caddy:
"What...is this? It's incredibl[e]....dangerous[ly] and [very much] tasteful." - The Atlantic
"Could I have a look at the ingredients, please?" - M. Young, Professional Friend
"You can't mail a smoothie into a publishing office." - The New Yorker
"....goddamn, that is actually surprisingly delicious." - Coda