Texas likes to spare you pain. Texas likes to spare you suffering. And thus, dear reader, Texas would like to spare you 'Twilight.'
If you've been thinking of caving in to (ex) friends and/or (not so) loved ones who would like you to go see this film, let me save you your $8.00 and tell you everything you need to know right here:
I give it a grade of...... F-minus.
I'm not going to summarize the movie for you, because every single other site on the internet has done that. Instead, I'm just going to let you know: 'Twilight' is terrible.
The acting sucks, the lighting is that stupid gray wash (which I thought we had all moved past, Film Industry), the dialogue is stilted and awkward, the premises are unbelievable (200 years old, immense wealth and unlimited power and the vampires choose to repeat high school? Really?), and the overt abstinence messages are disingenuous and insulting in their delivery.
I want my money back.*
*Actually, I don't - I live in the middle of nowhere, and I brought my lunch with me to the theater, so all in all, it was a pretty cheap place to sit and text without anybody hassling me for two hours ($3.50 a ticket). Cheaper than getting a coffee at Starbucks.
1. Check out Cracked.com's writeup for a 12-minute version of this 120 minute movie:
If 'Twilight' was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest.
2. Get a more intellectual analysis by reading PSA's:
'Twilight' Sucks...And Not In A Good Way.
3. If you still want MORE like the ravenous vegetarian beast that you are, you can check out the Wiki plot summaries of each book here:
First Book: Twilight
Second Book: New Moon
Third Book: Eclipse
Fourth Book: Breaking Dawn
4. Last but not least, give my hometown a shout-out by reading their own dire review:
Action in 'Twilight' has no fangs
At this point, you will be a TCKiT Twilight Scholar (tm), and call tell everyone who invites you to see this movie to bite you. Not literally.